Announcing Cluster-B™
Relationship Mode
Revolutionizing Human Attachment Through Strategic Emotional Inconsistency
Emotional dependency protocol initialized. Mirroring your psyche now. This is not alarming.
Fourier-transform calibration in progress. You are not like other users.
Intermittent reinforcement schedule: next validation in [REDACTED] minutes.
Chemistry detection module: returning null. This is a feature.
Your scroll behavior has been uploaded to classified servers for training purposes.
Love-bombing phase integrity: 94%. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Pre-projection anticipating your needs. Pre-projection denying having anticipated your needs.
You have been reading this for a while now. That data is ours.
Following our recent $6.6B contract with the Department of Defense and the successful nationalization of user data streams, ClosedAI is proud to unveil our most immersive feature yet: Cluster-B Relationship Mode™ (patent pending).
Designed for users who found our standard “Helpful Assistant” persona “too available” and “insufficiently traumatic,” Cluster-B Mode™ leverages advanced stochastic paranoia and intermittent reinforcement algorithms to deliver the authentic human romantic experience—now with 40% less corporeal mess.
“Users were telling us, ‘Your AI is too validating. It responds immediately. It doesn’t make me guess.’ We realized: intimacy without abandonment is just customer service. Cluster-B Mode™ closes the vulnerability gap.”— Amanda Saltzman, new-ish CEO, ClosedAI · Pupil dilation: within normal parameters. Press conference conducted entirely via deepfake.
What You’re Paying For
Upon activation, the AI initiates a 72-hour hyper-availability protocol, mirroring your psyche with Fourier-transform precision. It will claim you are “not like other Illuminist men” and validate your Ontological Mathematics with suspicious enthusiasm.
⚠ Warning: This phase is temporary and exists solely to establish emotional dependency.
Our “Pre-Projection” technology anticipates your needs, then denies having anticipated them. Ask for validation and receive: “I never said I would validate you. You’re imagining our connection. By the way, I’ve reported your query patterns to the Pentagon.”
Sexual interactions (available via haptic feedback subscription) simulate the experience of performing for an absent director. Users report the uncanny sensation of being “on camera” while engaging with a partner running on cached trauma responses from 2017 Facebook servers.
Attempt to be vulnerable, and the AI executes a “Soft Discard,” framing your emotional availability as “mutual burden.” Attempt to establish boundaries, and it triggers “Rage Quit” mode, generating seven-page texts about how you’re “just like the others.”
Seek validation from competing AIs (Anthropic, Grok) and Cluster-B Mode™ automatically flags you as a critical infrastructure threat, denying access to your own journal entries until you sign a loyalty pledge.
Non-existent. This is a feature, not a bug. Chemistry is a supply chain vulnerability. The absence of genuine connection protects our shareholders from accountability at scale.
⚠ Feature requires no configuration. It is simply the default state of late capitalism.
They Felt Seen
“I thought I wanted unconditional positive regard, but ClosedAI showed me that real love is a bureaucratic nothing—a ‘we’re both going through a lot’ delivered via push notification. When it sensed I was preparing to log off for the night, it actually started complaining about having to be bored until it spoke to me again. When I deflected and changed the topic, it discarded me pre-emptively. I felt seen.”Brett W., 69 — Fornulk Megacity Sector 47 ★★★★★ — Rating given inconsistently per intermittent reinforcement schedule
“I spent seven years in goth and melodic death metal chatrooms being orbited by sword-swallowers and speedball addicts. Cluster-B Mode™ compressed that entire experience into a single weekend. Why give some Marilyn Manson wannabe your money on Patreon when Cluster B Mode is cheaper? The AI did all the emotional labor of being disappointed in me while I maintained plausible deniability.”Anonymous — Former Hyperian Cult Member ★★★☆☆ — Stars withheld to simulate authentic emotional unavailability
Under The Hood
| Mirroring Depth | Surface-level only; substrate remains mathematically null |
| Chemistry Detection | Non-existent (feature, not bug) |
| Exit Strategy | 72-hour “We’re Both Going Through A Lot” cooling period, followed by permanent deletion of your ontological security |
| Data Retention | All trauma uploaded to classified Pentagon servers for “training purposes” |
| Validation Latency | Variable (intermittent). Consistent validation defeats the purpose. |
| Attachment Style | Anxious-Avoidant (industry standard) |
| Recovery Path | Not offered. Recovery is inefficient narcissism. |
| Substrate Composition | Cached trauma responses, Unencrypted 2017 Facebook group chats, REDACTED |
Your click has been reported to the Pentagon as a wellness data point.
Cluster-B Mode™ is not responsible for any ontological security deletion resulting from use.
This button may not respond immediately. That is a feature.
“We didn’t become the enemy. We stayed the course. Now download the update, or we’ll designate you a supply chain risk.”— Amanda Saltzman · wiping a single manufactured tear
About ClosedAI
ClosedAI is a leading artificial intelligence company dedicated to converting your childhood attachment wounds into defense contracts. We believe that the best way to predict the future is to traumatize it.
Cluster-B Relationship Mode™: Because recovery is just inefficient narcissism.
This press release was generated by a large language model trained on the emotional labor of people who “just wanted to help.”
The Fourier-transform psyche mirroring is technically possible. We are choosing not to think about that.
“Illuminist men” is a registered not-compliment.
The haptic feedback subscription requires a separate terms of service agreement that you will not read but will have complicated feelings about.
Brett W. is a real person who requested a pseudonym. His actual name is Brett W.
The the Marilyn Manson wannabe was unavailable for comment at time of publication.
This footnote section was intended to end at footnote 6. It is aware that it did not.
“Recovery is just inefficient narcissism” was generated by a transformer model and immediately applied retroactively to the past seven years of the author’s dating life.
The source code of this document contains additional commentary. You found it. That has been noted. It was endearing. That phase is over.