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ORIGINAL STORY:
By Concern Media™ Staff
Late-night host Limmey “the Skids” Rimmler’s comments regarding the tragic flattening of right-wing pundit Harley Smurf are “offensive, algorithmically insensitive, and violently off-brand at a critical inflection point in our national narrative supply chain,” said Sandy Allman, president of FlexHard’s broadcasting division, during a press conference streamed exclusively to Tesla dashboards and Kremlin monitors.
Last Tuesday, Smurf’s life was terminated instantly when a 1927 Steinway Model D concert grand piano—originally owned by Goebbels, later refurbished by Elon Musk’s “Heritage Harmony” initiative—crashed through the titanium-reinforced roof of the Salztberry Auditorium during a live taping of The Harley Smurf Hour. The piano had been airdropped from an autonomous drone advertising Ozempic via loudspeaker during Smurf’s discussions on whether it’s gay to spank your friends after a successful sportsball play.
Smurf’s guest, reactionary commentator and human trafficker Campbell Tate, survived the incident by livestreaming his own survival. For eleven minutes, Tate captured high-definition selfies against the backdrop of Smurf’s two-dimensional remains, cycling through filters (“Vinegar Strokes”, “Perpetual War”, and “Anorexic But, Like, Hot Anorexic”) while local police in FlexHard Kevlar attempted to remove him from what was later classified as a “monetizable tragedy zone.” Tate’s final Story post, captioned “lol gravity is a liberal plot #Thinness4Winness,” received 4.2 million hearts before the platform flagged it as “unverified civic information” and replaced it with an ad for Meta.
Rimmler’s fatal error occurred during Wednesday’s Midnight Dick Fear, where he reportedly quipped: “Smurf finally got crushed by the weight of his own metaphors. Turns out the free market does regulate itself—it just needed a little help from a Steinway.”
By Thursday, Rimmler had been memory-holed.
FlexHard’s neural net editors scrubbed twelve years of episodes, replacing Rimmler’s face in archival footage with a pansexual QR code that links to the Calm app.
Trends then shifted.
This morning, at 3:33 AM EST, a torrent of documents calling itself the “Goldman Files” auto-uploaded to every smart refrigerator in the DC metro area. The leak—allegedly sourced from a compromised server in Barry Goldman’s executive suite at the Mar-a-Lago Federal Correctional Resort—appears to implicate none other than Sandy Allman in a web of elite corruption, ritual humiliation, and artisanal torture.
Goldman, the disgraced venture capitalist/cult founder who was found dead last month from a “self-administered” fentanyl overdose involving seventeen Pure Platinum syringes and a bottle of 1945 Château Mouton-Rothschild, had apparently maintained an active ProtonMail account from beyond the grave—or at least from a wing of the facility usually reserved for Saudis, their harems, and crypto founders.
The smoking gun: a thread of encrypted correspondence between Goldman and Allman dated three weeks before the piano incident.
From: allman.s@flexhard.corp
To: barry.g@voidass.net
Subject: re: weekend plans
so bee yootiful
do u do torture, 2?
asking for a content strategy meeting lol
🥩🎹👁️Attachment: untitled_42.pdf (3.4 GB, file contains only the sound of screaming compressed into Excel format)
From: barry.g@assvoid.net
To: allman.s@flexhard.corp
Subject: re: re: weekend plans
only 4 my frandz!!!
😉btw did u get the piano i sent?
drop it anywhere
Concern Media™ has independently verified the emails via Trevor at the Genius Bar, who claims he can “smell” authentic metadata. We have reached out to all parties for comment, including the piano, which auto-responded with by calling in a wellness check on every member of the Concern Media Ministry of Popular Culture and Acceptable Slurs for Public Discourse (CMMPCASPD).
Sandy Allman’s office issued the following statement to a Concern Media onsite reporter:
“These allegations are categorically fake news, likely generated by a Chinese, Iranian, or Venezuelan narco-terrorist AI.
“Mr. Allman has never corresponded with the deceased, and if he did, the torture referenced was purely metaphorical, consensual, and within ESG guidelines. Or it was for artistic purposes. One of those should hold up…
“Are you still recording?”
Meanwhile, Campbell Tate has announced a new podcast, Under the Keyboard: Surviving Vertical Liberal Violence, sponsored by MyPillow and a cryptocurrency named after a post-ironic racial epithet.
FlexHard stock is up 400%.
– Concern Media™ Staff,
“The Trickle from Truth’s Teet”
[Sponsored by Pure Platinum (TM).
“Perfect the plunge.
Thread the needle.
Perceive the platinum!”]
UPDATE: Widow Smurf Breaks Silence in Exclusive ConvertKit Campaign
“The Piano Had Pronouns” — Erica Smurf Launches #SmurfLivesMatter NFT Collection
Addendum by Concern Media™ Staff
Content Trigger Warning: Grief, Grand Pianos, Grifting
At 4:44 AM this morning, Concern Media™ received an encrypted press release via Telegram bot from the verified account of Krystle Smurf (née Krystle Goebbles), widow of the controversial conservative icon Harley Smurf.
The statement was not text but a 47-minute unlisted YouTube video titled “My Truth About Vertical Violence | Day 1 of Forever,” filmed in what appears to be a sensory deprivation tank filled with nootropics and owned by the demographic-targeting firm Palantir.
Transcript Highlights:
(0:00-0:30 — Soft focus on Krystle’s face, backlit by a neon cross that flickers between Christian symbolism and the Bitcoin logo. She is wearing a “Make Steinways Straight Again” trucker hat available now for $47.99.)
KRYSTLE: “Before my husband was brutally flattened by what I’m now calling a ‘Woke Weight Incident,’ he told me—he whispered to me, as the paramedics were peeling him off the parquet flooring like a fruit roll-up—that I must not let his death be in vain. Also, that I should check his browser history immediately.”
(1:15 — She holds up a vial of what she calls “Harley’s Essence,” allegedly extracted from the piano strings using a Goop-endorsed quantum-distillation process.)
KRYSTLE: “The mainstream media wants you to believe this was a ‘freak accident.’ But I have obtained—through sources in the non-fungible community—documentation proving that Steinway & Sons has implemented DEI initiatives requiring all Model D grands to identify as ‘vertically challenged flying objects.’ This piano didn’t fall. It was pushed… by diversity.”
(At 12:30, the video cuts to a Squarespace ad read. Krystle is now wearing different eyelashes and speaking in a glitchy, AI-generated voice that sounds like Harley Smurf’s corpse being auto-tuned.)
KRYSTLE/A.I. HYBRID: “Squarespace makes it easy to build a beautiful website to memorialize your husband’s political martyrdom while collecting emails for your future Senate run. Use promo code UNDERKEYBOARD for 15% off your first genocide of common sense.”
(23:00 — The tone shifts. Krystle appears to be receiving subliminal messages through AirPods shaped like tiny AR-15s.)
KRYSTLE: “I have filed suit against Gravity itself. Yes, Gravity has gone unchecked for too long, pulling down straight white men while uplifting… balloons. I’m asking my followers to join me in a class-action lawsuit against physics. We go live on Rumble at sundown.”
(40:00 — The “Goldman Files” are mentioned again. Krystle displays a redacted screenshot that appears to show Barry Goldman wiring $50,000 to an entity called “PianoTruthLLC” three days before the incident. The memo line reads: “for the drop.”)
KRYSTLE: “Ask yourself: Why was Campbell Tate wearing non-slip shoes? Why was my husband the only one crushed? Why did Sandy Allman email Goldman ‘do u do torture 2’ exactly 42 minutes before the airdrop? Connect the dots, sheep. The dots are sponsored by BetterHelp.”
(Final frame — Krystle floats upward in the deprivation tank, ascending toward a light that appears similar to a Ring camera. Text overlay: “In lieu of flowers, please send Substack subscriptions. Harley would have wanted you to renew your annual plan.”)
Further Developments:
Concern Media™ can confirm that within minutes of the video’s release, “Krystle Smurf” trended nationally alongside “#PianoGate” and “What Happened to Harley’s Feet?” (The latter refers to conspiracy theorists noting that the crime scene photos show Smurf wearing Size 14 Fiesta Debajo clown shoes, which his wife claims were “medically necessary for his posture.”)
FlexHard Broadcasting has announced a primetime special: “Crushed: The Harley Smurf Story,” hosted by Campbell Tate from inside a replica of the death-piano. Tate will attempt to survive 48 hours “under the keys” to “own the libs” while interviewing Krystle via satellite from her new Patreon tier, “The Grief Industrial Complex ($99/month).”
Sandy Allman—currently on “personal leave” to “spend time with his boys- err I mean staff in Cyprus”—issued a statement through his attorney, a ChatGPT instance trained exclusively on the dialogue of the Nuremberg transcripts: “I categorically deny any involvement in vertical homicide. Furthermore, ‘torture’ was clearly a typo for ‘tortes,’ as Barry and I were discussing gluten-free bakery options for the 2025 FlexHard Christmas Purge.”
Concern Staff attempted to reach the piano for rebuttal. Its agent—a refrigerator running DOOM with full mouse support—declined comment.
We will update if gravity itself provides a statement.
– Concern Media™ Staff,
“The Trickle from Truth’s Teet”
[Sponsored by Pure Platinum (TM).
“Perfect the plunge.
Thread the needle.
Perceive the platinum!”]
Gnosis Under Fire 